update

went to jail
quit my job
got a new tattoo
got a different job
quit that one too



so im not the same girl who last posted in september.
but there is one thing i will always remember
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger, nothing good comes easily, not all who wander are lost, and that perfection is boring.

more tidings of great joy to follow----and a STORE opening to celebrate soon. even though my font is depressing this post doesnt mean im depressed/ it means im lazy to pick a less depressing one. lets face it, they are all quite snoozefestish anyway. xoxoxoxox


ps. havent you ever wanted to say to someone 'wow you really phone that ______ in?" fill in the blank. because i feel that way about the men in my life. they all endlessly dissapoint me.

thats all.

not hopeless

its not the crickets
or the sound of the breeze
but a whisper i hear
outside under the trees

no noise but a feeling
no sound, so much meaning

the moon is watching
the stars are a present
wrapped up in light
for my simple enjoyment

its god with his steady hand
gentle and always
that catches me when i fall
gives me strength to stand

alone with the night
by myself with my words
i dont have to ask for bandages
he understands my hurt

im not such a good girl
most of the time i fill the silence
but i feel god the most behind the black of my eyelids

i dont have to ask for direction
he knows my needs
my fears
and offers protection

an umbrella of grace surrounds my weary face
unworthy and uncertain
i still hear gods voice behind the night curtain

lonliness takes alot out of me
but seeing the sky so perfect
i feel at peace, i feel free

inspFired

teeth and tounges
lips and lungs
the tick of the clock invades my state of shock.

the beating in my chest doesnt make sense.
you killed me with one sentence

you said you wanted out
how am i still standing as my world comes crashing down

the glimmer in your smile coaxes me into denial
always blinds me to your guile

i hear the words you say
but i stopped listening
the minutes pass, im speechless now
waiting to awake from baddreaming...

my hair falls into my face
it suits me best out of place.

your eyes wont meet mine-keep staring at the blinds
wondering when you can roam outside

just touch my shoulder once
wind me up again---robot me, your tired plaything

i gave you the best of me, but boy youre fickle
easily distracted-abandoned me for fake breasts and false eyelashes

i sit like a little kid, in the corner-defeated
my knees slump, your foot thumps
youre ready to go-in your stance it shows...
one foot on the doormat-the other keeps time with the rain

just go--i'll be fine-as i force a halfsmile
a forgotten muse
a blown fuse
i used to light you up
now youve burned us down
blown me out
nothing but darkness now

inspirations.

 my dad and his family just got this ADORABLE german shepheard puppy, OSO. he melts my frigid little black heart.

 im kinda obsessed with wearing gypsy scarves around my head when im around the house. not in public YET-but only because its a thousand degress in texas right now. it makes me feel so fabulously gauche.

 above is my prized new Vintage T-shirt. and below is a GEM of a blouse i found at my local goodwill, paired with ancient GAP jeans i cutoff about a billion years ago, worn leopard booties from my sisters closet, dirty hair, and my gun necklace. one of my favorite ensembles.

 nothing better than mimosas on sunday funday with my lovely sister and her awesome boyfriend. and my awesome boy----oh wait........who needs em?

 above-one of my favorite fashion plates JEREMI in his dapper ensemble and CLB loafers. check out the red soles. i almost cried when i saw them. and i wish i was kidding. Below, some vintage loafers i picked up at my local goodwill-made in italy....leather...amazingness.

 precious little soul, my sweet little sister molly. the artist, actress, singer, writer. she does it all. we had fun playing dress up. she loves my crazy clothes, and i love her from her head to her toes.

 a natural.

yall come back now, ya hear??

VIDEO VIXEN

okay, this is really humiliating.
but i often, VERY OFTEN, okay okay ALWAYS pretend like im in music videos.

for real.
like if im driving with the windows down, and the sun is setting just right, and my hair is blowing at an acceptable angle---i pretend like the camera is watching as i lipsynch, drum my fingers on the steering wheel, and smoke my ciggerate to the beat.

when i was younger-in middle school-i used to stay in my room for HOURS just standing in front of the mirror pretending i was Fiona Apple in the Criminal video. Mildy inappropriate gyrations in front of the full length, eyes heavily rimmed in black wet n' wild walmart eyeliner, hairbrush microphone in hand---i truly WAS Fiona.

Ever since i was a 3 year old standing on top of the bricklined fireplace at my parents house in paris texas mouthing the words to madonna with oversize sunglasses and a wooden spoon as a microphone, i have been a rockstar in my own mind. Here are the ten songs lately that have made me feel most like a video vixen.

1. Tom Petty-Freefallin.............................(i just KNOW he wrote this song for me.)

2. Anything by Dead Weather (especially I cant hear you.) such a sexy song. if you dont have much SEX-y in your life, at least music can fill a TINY part of the void.

3. Kings of Leon-Taper Jean Girl (a feel good tune, im wearing my tapered jeans, shaking my hair to the beat while i uinload the dishwasher and look into camera #2.)

4. MGMT-Electric Feel. YES, i still pretend im hot shit runway model heiress to millions oscar winner indie rocker and designer muse when this song comes on. Suck it.

5. TV on the Radio-WOLF like me.     i will always, always, always, light my ciggerate the second he sings the lines 'baby girl i recognize, youre a hideous thing inside." love this song.

6. Air-Playground Love.   What red blooded american girl hasnt fantasized about being Lux Lisbon in Sofia Coppolas lovely film?  cue the soft lighting and run through a field of daisies.

7. Angus and Julia Stone-Big Jet Plane.    everything from the melody to the harmony makes this song a favorite melancholy tune. best for looking longingly into the mirror at the imaginary lover on the other side.

8. Bush-Mouth................obsessed with this song as a youngster. i have rediscovered it, and i like to pretend a single Gavin Rossdale pre-kids is dedicating this to me while i shower. shhhh!!

9. Bright Eyes-Lover I dont Have to Love......angsty! every fight i get into with any boy i have ever even remotely liked has the soundtrack of this song running round my head.

10. Madeline Peyroux-between the bars.           This is one of those songs that follows me walking down a busy street on a lonely, drizzly night. of course i pretend the camera follows behind me and films my footprints in the rain.

dont judge-you know you do it to. and if you dont, or never have, youre a bore.

questions

questions.
some keep me up at night, some do not. but theyve been on my mind lately so....?!
mostly rhetorical, but if you have insight-please feel free to lend some advice.

1. exactly how SHALLOW is it to decide against dating someone new because you're worried they wont fit in with your friends and your leopard print lifestyle? and does this make me extremely vile and vapid?


2. when a guy tells you that he doesnt want to put any pressure on you (regarding important life desicions), does he really mean 'dont put pressure on me'....?

3. is it ever okay to feel completely alone...no matter how many people are around you? does this make me crazy?

4.  what do i have to do in order to control some of the kooky thoughts that run through my brain? am i the only one who feels like a innocent bystander in her own mind as it runs wild?

5.  what does it mean when i flip to the end of the book and read the last few lines before i even start it? i wonder if this says something about my character.

6.  is there a delicate way to tell an otherwise attractive person that you hate the way they dress?

7. why are some girls just so cool? and how do i get as cool as they are? is there a manual? a pill?

8. i wonder what goes on in my dogs head as i dress him up in clothing or sing to him? does this mean im destined to die alone and/or surrounded by domesticated animals?

9.  can anyone else do jackee harrys voice as good as me? can i somehow parlay my nutjob voices into a multimillion dollar voiceover career?

10. does anyone like avril lavigne? like, literally....it confuses me why shes famous.

Love.

"The more I learn about love, the more it truly amazes me. There is no end to Love. It completely engulfs you. Thats the thing about love-its complete, its endless. I Love Love."--Jean Melrose Conroy


Wise words from my 84 year old grandmother (and good friend) on one of the most controversial topics: LOVE.