holy smokes

when i was in my earliest 20's i bought my first pack of ciggerates. it was a smoky twilight in la, and i was living in my studio apartment with my friend crystal. the door was open so the air outside in my courtyard style apartment complex could waft in, filling the space with the scent of mexican cooking and sounds of kids splashing around in the pool below. i was sitting in front of my typewriter, and third eye blind was singing songs about a semi charmed life from my cd player. in the middle of a poem and at the end of the song i thought okay this moment deserves a ciggerate. i had never been so certain about a purchase, even though i had no idea what to tell the clerk at 711 when he asked me what kind. i said something like camel special blend...because i had heard a guy friend of mine say that once before. my roomate and i practically RAN to her car, cranked the windows down, and rode the 3 blocks to our little shoebox apartment, taking drags and teaching ourselves how to inhale without coughing. of course stephen jenkins was playing on the ride. i felt so satisfied as i shoved the pack into my junk drawer. over the course of the next few months i never really reached for them again. im not sure where the need came from. im not sure why i felt so good buying something so bad for me. maybe it was the fact that i COULD buy them-i was living without anyone elses conditions at that moment. it was a choice i made to misbehave, to quietly rebel. still i keep the fact that i seek solace in ciggereates from most people in my family. its like the scarlet letter i bear secretly under my clothes...when i was going through a breakup last year i would sneak off into my car, crack the windows, and stare up at the smoggy night sky, forcing myself to inhale and exhale-it was the only thing i could do to take my mind off the heartbreak-to slow down and find refuge in my rebellion. its something i look forward to, not something that i need like those crazy people that you work with that take smoke breaks every few minutes to quiet their rage in dealing with the general public. for me, its taking a breath, looking around, flicking the ashes, holding something in my hand, making a choice to slow down, making a choice to be someone other than myself for just a few moments.

'you make me wanna smoke a ciggerate, you make me wanna be someone else...' graham colton band
'sit and watch my ciggerate smokin on itself, sit and watch my ciggerate smokin on itself'-dead weather
'early in the morning, rising to the street, light me up that ciggerate and i strap shoes on my feet' sublime