inspFired

teeth and tounges
lips and lungs
the tick of the clock invades my state of shock.

the beating in my chest doesnt make sense.
you killed me with one sentence

you said you wanted out
how am i still standing as my world comes crashing down

the glimmer in your smile coaxes me into denial
always blinds me to your guile

i hear the words you say
but i stopped listening
the minutes pass, im speechless now
waiting to awake from baddreaming...

my hair falls into my face
it suits me best out of place.

your eyes wont meet mine-keep staring at the blinds
wondering when you can roam outside

just touch my shoulder once
wind me up again---robot me, your tired plaything

i gave you the best of me, but boy youre fickle
easily distracted-abandoned me for fake breasts and false eyelashes

i sit like a little kid, in the corner-defeated
my knees slump, your foot thumps
youre ready to go-in your stance it shows...
one foot on the doormat-the other keeps time with the rain

just go--i'll be fine-as i force a halfsmile
a forgotten muse
a blown fuse
i used to light you up
now youve burned us down
blown me out
nothing but darkness now

inspirations.

 my dad and his family just got this ADORABLE german shepheard puppy, OSO. he melts my frigid little black heart.

 im kinda obsessed with wearing gypsy scarves around my head when im around the house. not in public YET-but only because its a thousand degress in texas right now. it makes me feel so fabulously gauche.

 above is my prized new Vintage T-shirt. and below is a GEM of a blouse i found at my local goodwill, paired with ancient GAP jeans i cutoff about a billion years ago, worn leopard booties from my sisters closet, dirty hair, and my gun necklace. one of my favorite ensembles.

 nothing better than mimosas on sunday funday with my lovely sister and her awesome boyfriend. and my awesome boy----oh wait........who needs em?

 above-one of my favorite fashion plates JEREMI in his dapper ensemble and CLB loafers. check out the red soles. i almost cried when i saw them. and i wish i was kidding. Below, some vintage loafers i picked up at my local goodwill-made in italy....leather...amazingness.

 precious little soul, my sweet little sister molly. the artist, actress, singer, writer. she does it all. we had fun playing dress up. she loves my crazy clothes, and i love her from her head to her toes.

 a natural.

yall come back now, ya hear??

VIDEO VIXEN

okay, this is really humiliating.
but i often, VERY OFTEN, okay okay ALWAYS pretend like im in music videos.

for real.
like if im driving with the windows down, and the sun is setting just right, and my hair is blowing at an acceptable angle---i pretend like the camera is watching as i lipsynch, drum my fingers on the steering wheel, and smoke my ciggerate to the beat.

when i was younger-in middle school-i used to stay in my room for HOURS just standing in front of the mirror pretending i was Fiona Apple in the Criminal video. Mildy inappropriate gyrations in front of the full length, eyes heavily rimmed in black wet n' wild walmart eyeliner, hairbrush microphone in hand---i truly WAS Fiona.

Ever since i was a 3 year old standing on top of the bricklined fireplace at my parents house in paris texas mouthing the words to madonna with oversize sunglasses and a wooden spoon as a microphone, i have been a rockstar in my own mind. Here are the ten songs lately that have made me feel most like a video vixen.

1. Tom Petty-Freefallin.............................(i just KNOW he wrote this song for me.)

2. Anything by Dead Weather (especially I cant hear you.) such a sexy song. if you dont have much SEX-y in your life, at least music can fill a TINY part of the void.

3. Kings of Leon-Taper Jean Girl (a feel good tune, im wearing my tapered jeans, shaking my hair to the beat while i uinload the dishwasher and look into camera #2.)

4. MGMT-Electric Feel. YES, i still pretend im hot shit runway model heiress to millions oscar winner indie rocker and designer muse when this song comes on. Suck it.

5. TV on the Radio-WOLF like me.     i will always, always, always, light my ciggerate the second he sings the lines 'baby girl i recognize, youre a hideous thing inside." love this song.

6. Air-Playground Love.   What red blooded american girl hasnt fantasized about being Lux Lisbon in Sofia Coppolas lovely film?  cue the soft lighting and run through a field of daisies.

7. Angus and Julia Stone-Big Jet Plane.    everything from the melody to the harmony makes this song a favorite melancholy tune. best for looking longingly into the mirror at the imaginary lover on the other side.

8. Bush-Mouth................obsessed with this song as a youngster. i have rediscovered it, and i like to pretend a single Gavin Rossdale pre-kids is dedicating this to me while i shower. shhhh!!

9. Bright Eyes-Lover I dont Have to Love......angsty! every fight i get into with any boy i have ever even remotely liked has the soundtrack of this song running round my head.

10. Madeline Peyroux-between the bars.           This is one of those songs that follows me walking down a busy street on a lonely, drizzly night. of course i pretend the camera follows behind me and films my footprints in the rain.

dont judge-you know you do it to. and if you dont, or never have, youre a bore.

questions

questions.
some keep me up at night, some do not. but theyve been on my mind lately so....?!
mostly rhetorical, but if you have insight-please feel free to lend some advice.

1. exactly how SHALLOW is it to decide against dating someone new because you're worried they wont fit in with your friends and your leopard print lifestyle? and does this make me extremely vile and vapid?


2. when a guy tells you that he doesnt want to put any pressure on you (regarding important life desicions), does he really mean 'dont put pressure on me'....?

3. is it ever okay to feel completely alone...no matter how many people are around you? does this make me crazy?

4.  what do i have to do in order to control some of the kooky thoughts that run through my brain? am i the only one who feels like a innocent bystander in her own mind as it runs wild?

5.  what does it mean when i flip to the end of the book and read the last few lines before i even start it? i wonder if this says something about my character.

6.  is there a delicate way to tell an otherwise attractive person that you hate the way they dress?

7. why are some girls just so cool? and how do i get as cool as they are? is there a manual? a pill?

8. i wonder what goes on in my dogs head as i dress him up in clothing or sing to him? does this mean im destined to die alone and/or surrounded by domesticated animals?

9.  can anyone else do jackee harrys voice as good as me? can i somehow parlay my nutjob voices into a multimillion dollar voiceover career?

10. does anyone like avril lavigne? like, literally....it confuses me why shes famous.

Love.

"The more I learn about love, the more it truly amazes me. There is no end to Love. It completely engulfs you. Thats the thing about love-its complete, its endless. I Love Love."--Jean Melrose Conroy


Wise words from my 84 year old grandmother (and good friend) on one of the most controversial topics: LOVE.

shoe in

 This is what my bedroom floor looks like. Shoes are the part of the outfit that really GROUNDS the look....i feel like a different person in every pair of these. Each pair has a story...(some good, some bad, some downright embarrassing). My clothes and shoes  are really the only 'things' in my life that I (hoard) am really emotionally attached to. I have a generic cell phone, a car that gets me from A to B, no ipad, no fancy computer, no designer handbags that cost a fortune, no mansion to call my home, but i have my clothes. My clothes are my friends...my way to express myself--and to try on someone else for a day.

 these gold boots make me shout with glee! no dior homme boots i have been lusting after, but a silly nod to them.

take me out to the ball game

 this FABULOUS man sat in front of me at the Rangers game over the weekend. He was a womens softball coach from florida. He first complimented me on my vintage patchwork wallet (which i dropped under his chair), then he raved about my leopard shorts & moccasin boots. THEN he bought the ring right off of my finger for five dollars. He was a character, and the ring suits him perfectly. I think it was my sisters, and i hope she doesnt mind....

 I went with an old friend i have known for about a decade. We hung out often in high school, and recently reconnected. We literally talked the entire 2 hours to the game, all during the game, and afterwards. I was reminded of how much fun we used to have together, and also shocked at how grown up he is. This is a guy with a brain that wont quit, and a bawdy sense of humor that keeps me smiling.

we got GREAT seats...foul balls were flying in our direction...but we left unscathed... it was an amazing time all in all.

flowerchild

 really feeling inspired by looking through old pictures with my grandma lately. my mom and her sisters always wore the coolest clothes in the 70s. airy gowns, tightest jeans, halter tops, and anything peasant or suede. i love the simplicity of 70s fashion. i always feel most like myself when i embrace my inner flowerchild. the tan maxi dress was my grandmothers when she was a young mother in the 1960s. its in perfect condition, and if i ever get married, i think this is what i will wear. barefoot, with a floral wreath in my hair...my love in a suede vest and bell bottoms--natch!

all vintage items shows are available at etsy.com/shop/beforeafton

a entry without angsty poetry

it can be done! an entry without song lyrics/angsty poetry...this was like pulling teeth! yesterday was 110 degrees, so my mom, sister, myself, and grams went grocery shopping then had our own little fiesta at my sisters fabulous house.

 grams skipping through the fancy grocery store.

 the big cheese.

 im obsessed with these lacy tap shorts and bowties. no wonder the produce guy kept offering to help us pick out ripe vegetables. ow oww

 if you cant beat the heat, at least self-medicate with a little sangria, courtesy of mum.

me snapped unawares, working on my ETSY site...or perhaps i was catching up on my favorite blogs:
jewelryaddictbrack.blogspot.com....thehighwaylamb.blogspot.com....ohediedarling.com...monicais.com....luxfixe.com....or whatisrealityanyway.com

or perhaps i was checking my eharmony dating profile...its a free communication weekend.

Hate Ashbury

woke up this morning

with san fransico on my mind

we saw the ships near alcatraz

you looked inside my eyes

near the fishermans wharf

we shared 4 dollar lobster

two straws, one soda

what a sight we were

the ocean wind, salty air, tangles of your hair

the rain started to fall, i was wearing a fur coat

sought shelther in your rental car, dodged a thunderbolt

it was then you pulled out your camera

while my ciggereate glowed orange

you told me to act natural,

naturally, i acted

you told me i was so cool, we knew that we were artists

trying to be who you wanted me to was probably the hardest...

we couldnt find a bathroom

so we drove all over town

you always waited until i was about to cry

finally pull over, at some coffee shop in Haight

vintage stores and head shops

vegan cafes, dreadlocks

we shared some wine on a patio outside

held hands across the table

im sure the waiter thought we were cliche

but when night fell in ashbury you looked at me that way

you told me you were falling

i told you i had already fallen

that night at the golden gate you were all i ever wanted

LUKEwARM aint the norm

i love you

i love you not

dont know lukewarm

im either cold or im hot

tired of  dirty games

regret those old flames

who is the boy im kissing in this polaroid?

it seems ive erased his face; our love null and void.

i remember an arm around me,

but i dont care who it belonged to

maybe it was him, but maybe it was you

there were some eyes i looked inside

but my memory didnt survive

the two of us turned into a few of us-

i cant keep them all straight...

the common thread between us was the fact that we would break

so ive got nothing left for you to take

but i can pretend, oh yes, i can fake.

 turning my back on all that you lack.

 attached at the head to another faceless "RELATIONSHIP."

 some arm around me one day that i dont remember. but my outfit was cute.

 hmmm, black and white...but still always gray.

 i was cleaning out my computer....purging all of the lovesongs and hate songs and silly pictures i had been hanging on for far to long, and was inspired to write about how, when you want to-when youre good at it...forgetting is easy. bittersweet, a waste of time...these old relationships shape us most of the time, and most men i have dated have had some redeeming qualities. but there are a couple that are husks---good looking, but empty. and sometimes they are just plain old FORGETABLe.

...the thing is that no matter how many times you suffer through a lukewarm kiss or hang out with a dude who just doesnt get you-who doesnt even pretend to, there are always FRIENDS.. daisy + alexa=jeni +kb   (photo courtesy of fuckyeahalexachung.com)

a poem because im MAAAAAAAAD

a poem born from frustration.


a tisket, a tasket,
howd you get all my eggs in your basket?
wolf in sheeps clothing, dirty little thief
you must have stolen from me while i was asleep
however did you get me to look the other way?
was i hypnotized by those eyes, those three words always you say?
i made a mistake, thought i knew who you were
but when awoke i was robbed;
you were standing close to her
you've got deceit down to a science
and somehow your image is tattoed to my eyelids
yesterday i had alot of everything going on
but its morning now, ive slept since then, and all of me is gone
did you decide what to do with all the spoils of your steal?
are you going to rub it in my face?
after all, youre the one who won the race..
my heart was a casualty, you walk around so casually
inside of your pocket you've got my whole life
the secrets ive told you, the joy and the strife
somewhere out there
i forgot who i was talking to
trusted you with my deepest down
i guess there was someone in you i thought i knew
but im stripped down to the barest of bare
just  hipbones, bad jokes, and an angry gray stare.
gotta get my livelihood away from your hands
because youre just some boy i loved, you'll never be my man




wow, that felt AMAZING. did this in ONE take, and i didnt edit ONE part, because frankly, its so AWESOME and so RAW that i didnt have to. guess i must have been REALLY REALLY inspired. if you take everything else from me, mad crazy world, at least i will always have words. and we all know-us poets, us writers, that the PEN is mightier than the sword. and mightier than some dumb boy that would break your heart without even knowing it. Here is to owning your creativity, loving our callous words, and being who we ARE-never apologizing. never waiting around for some BOY. and im done----raise your glass if you agree?? can i get an amen? im with you girls, XOXOXOXOXO kb

this ones for MY girlllsss

to the women who have helped shape my life, given me hope, shared laughter and tears, know all of my embarrassing stories, and still love me despite my quirks! celebrate someone who means something to you today....its a good feeling.

noticeably absent from these photos is JULIANNE aka (EDIE DARLING of ohdiedarling.com) shes one of my most favorite girls ever. JULES I LOVE YOU!!! but i have no pics of you on my shitty laptop. forgive me???

 the best boss in the world...christmas 2007!

 my other half.

 my sweet monica...if only i couldve edited the other broad out.

 my little sister, the center of my entire world.

 my sweet nanny and aunt kathy.

 a trip to nyc in 2008---best trip EVER with some of my most favorite girls.

 my lovely sister.

 me, jeni, hanna at a gay bar in west hollywood. batcave musketeers for life. my favorite women.

 3 of my angels.

 my little sister, such a creative soul.

sweet mommy, my life! and awesome aunts, and sassy little grams.

thank you all for being who you are. DOPE ASS BITCHES!