SCARED SH*tLESS

HEY, YOU-cynicism is so last year. my poetic version of a scaredy cat cynicist (of the male persuasion) is:   
 He's scared the most of what he cannot SEE, disguised as a solid grip on reality.   *an excerpt from a new poem i wrote recently. a little to personal to post in its entirety folks


meaning: fear of GOD, fear of LOVE, fear of things we cannot define, things we cannot touch-things that arent black and white. and things that arent simple/planned out; diagrammed and analyzed. i used to be a cynic. i have given that up for being a bit of a romantic. to be honest---i'd rather just be myself which is equal parts cynic and romantic. though i have to admit certain people bring out certain traits and magnify them a million percent just by their eyes alone.

heres the thing. youre going to die. im going to die. start believeing in something. whether its yourself, your god, your brother, your aunt, your girlfriend, or if its something more broad and fantastic like LOVE and soulmates or being a vegan....i dont know. just man up. and believe. and dont stop belieeevveeeiiinnnn.

FALL looks i loVe

 tailored schoolgirl blazers.

 oversize chambray shirts can never be wrong.

 winter coats! get me outta texas so i can wear these all day long.

 peter pan collars and bow ties. navy navy navy. LOVE navy. so ladylike.

 cocoon sweaters. dramatic sleeves. sharpshoulders. amazing!

 black velvet vintage diane von furstenburg dress. black velvet feels so LUX.

 silk, paisley with dramatic sleeves and riding boots.

a reversible kimono jacket. i LOVE anything asian inspired. so excited to rock this for fall. most of these pieces are available for sale on etsy.com/people/beforeafton or senseoffashion.com/beforeafton

OK La HomE aaaah.

 this weekend was spent seeing my AWESOME grandparents in Oklahoma.

 for being an upper middle class southern white woman, my nanny sure LOVES her animal print, tribal statues, and AFRICAN themed decor. gotta love it. leopard print must be genetic.

 a painting of my gramps and his precious cutting horses. hes a red blooded all american cowboy!

 scotch, bourbon, vodka, rum, wine....the gangs all here! party time!

 awesome art that my daddy did in the 2 large frames-my stepsiter mollys artwork is hanging there in the small frame. the wall of fame.

 Betty Joyce Contway making her famous frozen margaritas before a night at the Choctaw Casino. We played the slots, and i lost pathetically.

the famous pink bathtub of many cousin/sister bathtubs of my youth. it seemed so much more grandiose when i was a kid. so many memories....its nice to know that no matter what happens in life, there is a place that smells like home.

EVER NOTICE!?!?!?

have you ever noticed how when you split up and rearrange the word


B E L I E V E

you get the following words: EVIL----LIE---VEIL---VILE---BILE

so next time youre wondering if you should BELIEVE that boy, the one whos trying to charm the pants literally right off of you, or the guy who says he went to a strip club for fun BY HIMSELF (which is bizzarre and CRINGEWORTHY CREEPY PERVERT LONLEY OLD MAN enough, but i digress)---  and didnt get a lapdance like a certain ass ex-boyfriend of mine, remember that when someone asks you to b e l i e v e them and you FEEL it on your gut that theyre a L I A R, trust yourself.


ALSO----notice there is only ONE letter different in the words LOVE and LOSE.


scary. to love is to lose. the two go hand in hand. 

oooo THAT SMEEELLLL.....

1970s cool. all available on my etsy shop, etsy.com/people/beforeafton

 HEY HEY MAMA said the way you move, gonna make you sweat gonna make you groove.

 hello daddy, hello mom....CH CH CH CH CH CH CHERRY BOMB

 blue jean baby, LA lady, seamstress for the band. pretty eyed, pirate smile, married a music man...

 if i leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? i must be travelin on now, theres to many places i gotta see...

 bye bye miss american pie, drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry...

i love the 70s. disco, woodstock, dreadlocks, bra burning, revolution, rocknroll, peace, free thinking, free spirits, passion---an era where people werent paralyzed by fear. an era where people took chances, and lived with conviction. even if they were stoned most of the time... i miss the music most, then the fashion!!  what about you?

prepare for TakEOff

did i accomplish what i set out to?
what did i set out to accomplish?

ask me now and i dont remember, ask me then and i couldnt have given you a concrete answer. but then, nothing i ever see is really black and white. especially these days...

so here is what i KNOW: I HATE LIVING IN THIS TOWN. HATE with a capital H-A-T-E. is it my attitude? hell yes! but i did give it a fair shot-the 18+ years i was raised here. i also tried to keep an open mind on several of my returns home. HOME?!??!?! dont even get me started on that. home is NOT a place. home is NOT a family. home is a feeling. and i dont feel it anymore.

another thing i KNOW which complicates things: I LOVE being around SOME OF THE MEMBERS of my family. you know who you are, and im so greatful for EVERYTHING you do for me, and how you love me no matter what....I know that moving away would be difficult AGAIN, but i know now that i cant live my life through other people, for other people, or because other people say i cant handle the challenge of leaving again. also i KNOW that some people who say they are happy to have me around, some people who say that theyre on my side-are incredibly toxic and detremental to whatever sanity i was hoping to gain here at home among 'family and friends'

i KNOW that where i choose to go has to be for ME. somewhere i can GROW. because at the end of the day, thats all i really want to do. forget all of the mumbo jumbo about changing and healing or setting unrealistic goals that suddenly i wont be such a fuck up anymore. i just want to GROW. and i think with that single goal, that single mantra, all of the other things will follow. so im preparing for take off, ready to make my escape, i am telling you dear diary....by OCTOBER 1 i will be free to fail, free to fly, with a new lease on life and hopefully a sweet apartment in a city far away from here.

wave the white flag

you're quicksand
and im sinking steady

i make no move to find my footing
these legs cant fight the persistent pulling

in your hands i lose my shape
changeable as an artists clay

try and persuade my head you're all wrong for me
but my skin and my soul cant seem to agree

just a stare is all it takes
a stare or a glare and i am disarmed

no defenses, no resolve
no ammunition to fire
just an exposed heart, overflowing with desire

what i knew then
what i thought i knew when
is shedding like a shell
im hopelessly naked under your spell

chew on this

hey.

im trying to be good.
this is what i have learned.


LIfE iS to SHORT to be an ASSHOLE.
no one will want to be around you. people will roll their eyes and talk about you behind your back.

be nice.

if you screw up, just remember that if your heart is in the right place...it wont REALLY matter 5 years from now.

LOVE WITHOUT FEAR. without expectations. (this is the one i REALLY need to work on.)

say what you need/ought/want to say. just do it. regret will haunt you longer than possible rejection. trust me.

kindess + tolerance + gratitude + patience + LOVE=godliness, happiness, and feeling BETTER about your world.

BE GRACIOUS.

thank you to everyone i love. to everyone who loves me. in spite of and despite all of my insanity.
i love you also. and i am taking steps toward PROVING it.

without love we have nothing.

 GRATuitous cute outfit photos...because...

everybodys doing it.

-oh KaTe-y Did

last night i had a dream in which my dear friend Kate Moss, me, and Jamie Hince were all gathered around a glossy table in a glossy London lounge discussing the lovely details of their English wedding in the countryside. I congratulated the happy couple, and amid sips of tea and bites of spotted dick, i really felt geunine happiness and could see the love between the two of them. WHAT A KOOK! why am i dreaming that my favorite supermodel and favorite male member of the Kills are chummy? It must have been the kills record I have been playing on repeat in my car, and the full hour i spent ooohing and ahhing over Kates AMAZING Galliano gown before I went to dreamland last night. Either way, its the end of an era...Kate seems HAPPY. Shes the original waif, the superEST supermodel...and he is part of one of my favorite angsty, raw, rock bands. They are a beautiful couple, and I look forward to finding the jamie to my kate. CONGRATS.

WaSh that MAn RighT oUttA my HaiRhandshearT??

what is it that im holding on to? really?

an idea?

a shadow of a feeling?

something that once was?

How do I just LET GO? when i have let go in the past, this 'idea', this 'ghost of what couldve been/could be' finds me again...so maybe the universe is telling me to just wait.

but in truth, im not the most patient of girls. And believe me, in this particular circumstance, I have shelved my feelings and questions, and put my concerns on the backburner. I feel like my steadfast patience should be rewarded somehow. If not by the subject of this post, then by the Gods of Time or maybe even cupids arrow.

whatever happened to taking a leap of faith? where is john cusak with his boombox? did romeo get lost on his way to climbing up my trellis and onto my balcony? The grand gesture will forever be my white whale-the thing i will always search for, always elusive, mythic, and mysterious.

Shall i follow my heart? or at least what my heart felt so long ago?

thats the thing about hearts-they change.
and i dont want to look like an asshole. lets be honest, noone wants to be THAT person. the one who just GOES for it with GUSTO and optimism only to be brought back to a harsh and cynical reality.

i ramble...

i guess im just torn between LETTING GO, washing my hands of it for a WHILE-until i have been absolved of any DEEP feelings for this subject...or torn between just DOING IT. biting the bullet, even if it shoots me right in the throat.

these questions they dont PLAGUE me. im a busy girl! ....but songs, movies, moments....make me wax poetic, furrow my brow, write silly poems, and get angry that no move has been made. we're wasting time. and no one is guarunteed tomorrow. im sure the fact that i have 3 sick grandparents and am reminded how fragile life is, the topic of CARPE DIEM has been on my mind. whats the point of living if you dont have love?

what to do what to do
what to do about me and you