prepare for TakEOff

did i accomplish what i set out to?
what did i set out to accomplish?

ask me now and i dont remember, ask me then and i couldnt have given you a concrete answer. but then, nothing i ever see is really black and white. especially these days...

so here is what i KNOW: I HATE LIVING IN THIS TOWN. HATE with a capital H-A-T-E. is it my attitude? hell yes! but i did give it a fair shot-the 18+ years i was raised here. i also tried to keep an open mind on several of my returns home. HOME?!??!?! dont even get me started on that. home is NOT a place. home is NOT a family. home is a feeling. and i dont feel it anymore.

another thing i KNOW which complicates things: I LOVE being around SOME OF THE MEMBERS of my family. you know who you are, and im so greatful for EVERYTHING you do for me, and how you love me no matter what....I know that moving away would be difficult AGAIN, but i know now that i cant live my life through other people, for other people, or because other people say i cant handle the challenge of leaving again. also i KNOW that some people who say they are happy to have me around, some people who say that theyre on my side-are incredibly toxic and detremental to whatever sanity i was hoping to gain here at home among 'family and friends'

i KNOW that where i choose to go has to be for ME. somewhere i can GROW. because at the end of the day, thats all i really want to do. forget all of the mumbo jumbo about changing and healing or setting unrealistic goals that suddenly i wont be such a fuck up anymore. i just want to GROW. and i think with that single goal, that single mantra, all of the other things will follow. so im preparing for take off, ready to make my escape, i am telling you dear diary....by OCTOBER 1 i will be free to fail, free to fly, with a new lease on life and hopefully a sweet apartment in a city far away from here.