zoloft or zombieloft?

i feel like a part of me is missing.

that load upon my back and the thundercloud above my head are gone. its a really scary thing to realize that for most of my life i relied on my demons for so many different things. they filled my mind with ammunition-song lyrics and mad crazy collage art....stories and poems...

now that i have been on antidepressants for a month or so, i have noticed that the feelings that i DO feel, are lukewarm. im so used to being LOW or HIGH, that feeling so balanced also leaves me wondering if i am feeling numb. uninspired.

its a strange type of longing-missing the darkness that became second skin.
i know that a practical person would say well you are giving up demons for daisys and shadows for light, but i miss the drive-the NEED to get all of the words and thoughts out of me.

the jury is still out...can i still express myself artistically without the angsty girl ive always been? i hope so.

they say time heals all wounds

they say the only thing to fear is fear itself.
they say that when you arent looking, only then will you find it.
they say that it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all.

excuse me but have THEY ever been a 20 something on the verge...?  to them, I say easier said than done. to them I say, if you are not looking then how will you know what you DO NOT want. And to them I say, I would rather have never loved than to have experienced a relationship/break-up like my last-what we dont know CANT hurt us, isnt that another thing THEY say? i suppose that they probably dont know anymore about anything than I do. I suppose that inventing adages and rules to live by made THEM feel like THEY were not so alone; that THEY were wiser than the rest of us. Here is a couple of adages I came up with as I began this post.

I say that the only thing to fear is regret. And squirrels. And the texture of tofu. And bad kissers. And bad hair days. Bad outfits. Shoes that give you blisters. Any song Avril Lavigne comes out with. People who do not need coffee. Small children at amusement parks/shopping malls/church/pizza buffets. People who eat at Golden Corral. People who wear Ed hardy. People/things who could break your heart/face/spirit/concentration.

i say that i have looked. have found it, then decided i didnt want it. i have also looked away when i should have kept focus. i have also looked before i leapt, and landed flat on my face. There is no right way to go about looking/not looking for what you want. Trial and error my friends.

and as far as love goes, i am leaning towards subscribing to these philosophies
love hurts.
to fear love is to fear life.
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.

keep fighting YOUR battles. not THEIRS. xo-kbrax

the face

'i like your point of view, so dont you shy away'


there is a face that i have seen that makes me want to wax poetic. photographs and memories are all that i have in this time and space, but im certain someday we will meet again-when the time is right.


 its been ages since we have seen each other. but feelings like these dont fade away because of distance. this face is the kindest, most beautiful, warmest, most sincere face i have ever seen. this face wont be forgotten. when i really let myself reflect on conversations we have had, things i have learned from him, moments we have shared...i get a sense of peace...a sense of comfort-like coming home...as cliche as that sounds.

we complement each other. we GET it. the older i get, the more i go through, the more RARE i realize this is...


so on thankful thursday...i am thankful i have this face to fill my memories, to inspire me, to learn from, and god willing, to look forward to.

but youre boring baby when youre sane

why is it that every rose has its thorn?
why is it that i am ONLY attracted to boys/men/dudes with CRACKS?  i am positively certain that this inclination for a mess to clean up reflects on ME and my state of being. but this does not erase the fact that i am loser prone.

white bread boys bore me. if only i could be one of those girls that falls in like with a vanilla boy and makes him a little edgier by introducing him to cool music, outfitting him in v-necks, and talking him into tattoos. but if a vanilla boy even looks my way, i look the OTHER way. to be honest though i think that vanilla boys steer clear of me; perhaps they can see MY cracks and are terrified.

here is my chief complaint: i have spent the last 7 years in los angeles. home of the skinny, tattooed, moody, musically inclined dudes who have artsy style and greasy hair. NOW i am in texas. No, not austin, but TYLER. home of: pleated khakis, carhart jackets, UT BASEBALL CAPS, and chewing tabacco. I am just as forgein to them as they are to me---i find myself checking out the 3 homeless people that live in tyler just because they are closer to the kind of dude im attracted to than the guys with houses and jobs that reside here.  I feel so misunderstood in my beat up witch boots and boyfriend blazer...sometimes i look around and contemplate what life would be like if i wore a bebe top and guess jeans with straightend hair and a fake coach purse. then i remember who i am, what i am, what i love, who loves me, and why....and i realize blending in is for losers. and someday i will meet a handsome, skinny, artistic, tatooed, blue eyed fella who GETS me, and we can patch up each others cracks.

my ideal mate: vincent gallo in BUFFALO '66.

today i woke up

i wish there was a method to the madness. a formula i could study, tinker with, follow, analyze the reasons why sometimes i wake up and my head is already full of thoughts. before my morning coffeeS today my mind was already racing. my body was groggy, comfy in my bed-i couldnt keep up with the pace of ideas, memories, song lyrics, poems ive yet to write down...it was exhausting to the exhausted. lucky me i have an obsession with getting my morning java fix-the ONLY reason i get out of bed every day. so i trudged to the coffee maker at 7 am-saw a lovely pinky blue sky...a deer in the front yard, my dog wagging his tail to greet me, and was serenaded by bird songs. As i sat down to my laptop, smoked my routine morning ciggereate and enjoyed my coffee, i felt myself starting down a path ive been down to many times before, and did NOT want to travel down yet again. I started to think about something sad. And instead of obsess over it-okay, scratch that. I will be honest-i went into the bathroom, stared at myself in the mirror and rearranged my bedhead into several different styles. Its not like i was really SEEING my reflection, but i think having something else to f o c u s on was really the goal...After realizing i had been standing there, staring at my crazy hair for far to long, i said to myself YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HEADSPACE. so i walked outside and sat on the back porch. i took the time to deliberately FEEL the sun on my face, feel the breeze in my hair, and smell the spring flowers. Excisting in THIS TIME and THIS SPACE rather than in my own head has been one of the most challenging things i have been working on. I think some of it comes from being a writer at heart. The other part comes from how i lived my life over the past year or so. Even in crowds of people i felt alone, like there was a pane of glass separating myself from everyone else. I could see them, even blend in to an extent-but i was never really a part of anything. I chose to make myself an island-for many reasons-most of them valid, i think. But being in solitary confinement is no way to live...no way to love...so i am seeking self improvement. Right now i am CHOOSING-and even knowing that i can CHOOSE is a big step. So depression can still creep up...thoughts of the past and things that didnt last...they will always be demons i fight...but i think that now, at 26 years old, i am finally getting the hang of picking my battles---finally learning to have a backbone and ward off the negativity that i used to let climb into bed with me. (metaphorically speaking!) ....so i guess if I can learn how to dodge the demons, anyone can. Its a process, a excercise in mental strength, discipline, and self awareness. I know i will fail, but i also know that i am really trying. So thank you to the keys on my keyboard, the morning coffee, and the fresh texas morning air. And just know that we are built to overcome...xo-kbrax

muse monday 2

drunk on dreams
i can fly with a broken wing
wont get tied down in your spiderweb strings
wanna stop gettin high off your savage schemes
im gonna take a saw to these chains
cut your hands off my reins
wash your fingerprints from my stains
and wipe your chesire cat smile outta my brain.

a little diddy for muse monday. today my muse is the always dynamic, sometimes pshycotic alison mosshart. i just bought the new kills album, and it is FULL with inspiring music. i have been rhyming, singing, dancing like a banshee, and drawing crappy black ink-pen doodles with it jamming on my ipod all day long. she makes me wanna be mad! feast your eyes....

thankful thursday

i realize that a different theme for the days of the week is a bit trite. BUT sometimes a little cheesy goes a long way. as i mentioned in my opening post, i am in therapy. i would like to go every week, but obviously there are alot of other nuts out there that need my shrinks help too, so i go twice a month. she gives me 'homework'...ways to get outside of my head and behave in a way that balances out depression and anxiety. one of the things that i would like to focus on is simply:
the POSITIVE
3 things im thankful for this thursday are:

thanks be to bravo television for the laughter given to me by all of the real housewives. many alter egos and funny voices have stemmed from those crazy bitches.

thankful for forgiveness. in its most basic form...

thankful for the ability to HEAR and understand all of the amazing music in the world. thankful for the inspiration that it provides me...and the dance party bliss...and the tears...and the 'i know all the words to this rap song and im a white girl from texas' moments.


so i guess if you ever feel yourself stuck in the wheel in the hamster cage in your head going in circles, take a second and think about something that enriches your life...even if it is something small. even writing this post has made me sit up a little straighter...

wednesday heart attack

i think that i shall make wednesday heart attack a forum for myself to bitch about past loves.

my most recent ex love was my first real love. perhaps that is the reason its demise cut me so deep and hurt for so long. i can confess this now; i think i went crazy. certifiably so. after the break up i mean...
    im sure there were many factors contributing to my insanity. i will spare you the gory details. but lets just say that there was very little eating, a lot of wine drinking, chainsmoking, nail biting, crying, no sleeping, and long phone calls with my younger sister. i lost alot of myself with that one. and im okay confessing that i went a little nuts, because right now there is a little sliver of light at the end of a really dark tunnel. i wont pretend that i am healed. but i can say that i am healING. it seems like a buoy floated over to me as i was struggling to keep my head above water in a dark sea. and im holding onto it for dear life, though not strong enough yet to try and swim back to shore.

so yes i was split in two. broken. cracked. shattered. 

so yes i will show you my scars...so yes this is out of my head and into the great wide open--and if not one person even looks at it, i feel a little less blue having it down in black and white.

MUSE monday

predictable? perhaps. kate moss is the mother muse. forever i will remember seeing her as a young girl on the calvin klein ads. she has a fascinating way about her face. i dont care about her recreational drug use. i dont care about the fact that shes aging. i admire her ability to transcend the scandal, the weight loss and gain, and her tabloid turmoil. she is fashion. the perfect way to kick off my weekly muse mondays.

ghost love

today i woke up at 4 a.m. during a thunderstorm with a poem in my head. 


ghost at the foot of my bed
ghost dancing round in my head
thought id sleep better now that youre dead
seems youre the ghost that haunts me instead
ghost on my windowpane
ghost in the drops that fall with the rain
ghost in the shadows from the traffic outside
ghost in my yawn, my mouth open wide
thought id be sounder now that youre dead
but youre still just a ghost that sleeps in my bed.



the thing is, i have no ghosts anymore really. its been so long since ive been infatuated with anyone REAL...that i forgot what it is like to think about someone all the time, to dream about someone. so i guess i was just feeling inspired by the word ghost and the idea of being haunted rather than having an actual muse in mind. i used to have someone. and it took forever for the memory to fade away.

lucky me, im in therapy.

i should explain the name of my blog...

i live in a pretty small room. with an even smaller closet. one rack in the closet is completely full of clothing. fur, leopard, sequins, plaid, feathers, stripes, silky old lady blouses from goodwill, leather...etc etc.
       there are 2 other plastic ten dollar clothing racks from target on either side of my full-size bed. each of them about to topple over at any given moment. i feel like sometimes when i turn on my ceiling fan i can see them swaying in the breeze like twin palm trees. collage art is plastered all over my walls, making my little chaotic oasis seem even smaller than it is, and i wont even tell you about the footwear situation. i have all of my necklaces displayed like art all over the place, and the vintage sunglasses can be found hiding in every nook and cranny. at the center of it all, the ringmaster of this 3 rack circus if you will, is my old faithful toshiba laptop. given to me as a christmas present a few years ago to encourage poetry writing and professionalism, it has been a saving grace for me countless times. i am thankful for this little hub, an altar for all of the angsty love poems, the aimless games of solitaire, facebook stalking, and online shopping. this is going to be about the life i never knew how to lead, but find myself right in the thick of. stay tuned.
xo-kbrax