today i woke up

i wish there was a method to the madness. a formula i could study, tinker with, follow, analyze the reasons why sometimes i wake up and my head is already full of thoughts. before my morning coffeeS today my mind was already racing. my body was groggy, comfy in my bed-i couldnt keep up with the pace of ideas, memories, song lyrics, poems ive yet to write down...it was exhausting to the exhausted. lucky me i have an obsession with getting my morning java fix-the ONLY reason i get out of bed every day. so i trudged to the coffee maker at 7 am-saw a lovely pinky blue sky...a deer in the front yard, my dog wagging his tail to greet me, and was serenaded by bird songs. As i sat down to my laptop, smoked my routine morning ciggereate and enjoyed my coffee, i felt myself starting down a path ive been down to many times before, and did NOT want to travel down yet again. I started to think about something sad. And instead of obsess over it-okay, scratch that. I will be honest-i went into the bathroom, stared at myself in the mirror and rearranged my bedhead into several different styles. Its not like i was really SEEING my reflection, but i think having something else to f o c u s on was really the goal...After realizing i had been standing there, staring at my crazy hair for far to long, i said to myself YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HEADSPACE. so i walked outside and sat on the back porch. i took the time to deliberately FEEL the sun on my face, feel the breeze in my hair, and smell the spring flowers. Excisting in THIS TIME and THIS SPACE rather than in my own head has been one of the most challenging things i have been working on. I think some of it comes from being a writer at heart. The other part comes from how i lived my life over the past year or so. Even in crowds of people i felt alone, like there was a pane of glass separating myself from everyone else. I could see them, even blend in to an extent-but i was never really a part of anything. I chose to make myself an island-for many reasons-most of them valid, i think. But being in solitary confinement is no way to live...no way to love...so i am seeking self improvement. Right now i am CHOOSING-and even knowing that i can CHOOSE is a big step. So depression can still creep up...thoughts of the past and things that didnt last...they will always be demons i fight...but i think that now, at 26 years old, i am finally getting the hang of picking my battles---finally learning to have a backbone and ward off the negativity that i used to let climb into bed with me. (metaphorically speaking!) ....so i guess if I can learn how to dodge the demons, anyone can. Its a process, a excercise in mental strength, discipline, and self awareness. I know i will fail, but i also know that i am really trying. So thank you to the keys on my keyboard, the morning coffee, and the fresh texas morning air. And just know that we are built to overcome...xo-kbrax